One topic that is so vital to our life’s journey that no one talks about is the importance of creating and nurturing healthy friendships. Friendships are the bases for all of our relationships platonic or otherwise. The people we choose to surround ourselves with have a major influence on who we are and who we are to become whether we realize it or not. The people we make a part of our lives need to be chosen with care and intentionality.
First things first: what is the basic working definition of a friend? In the dictionary a friend is described as someone who we have a mutual affection for. By this definition everyone is our friend right? Wrong! A lot of the time we have people in our lives that we like that when it boils down to it, they really don’t like us. — — Sips tea — — Those are called frenemies, who really aren’t our friends at all buuuut that’s an entirely different story for a different day!
When it comes to choosing friends there a few things that we need to be clear on when inviting people to share our life’s journey with because the people we choose to share our time and energy on play a major role in the way we think, act behave and our general attitude towards the world around us.
The first major thing we need to consider when it comes to mastering friendship is learning the things that we value and making sure that the people we choose to be a part of our lives value those same things. All successful relationships are hinged on values at the end of the day and if you and the people you share space with don’t value the same things, your relationship will never work in the long term. Examples of the values in this case are things like loyalty, communication, honesty etc. If you and your “friends” don’t have the same working definition of those things and don’t hold them at the same level of importance, there will be rifts that are created in the relationship as a result of violations of these values within your friendship.
A clear way to know if your values are misaligned between you and a friend is to evaluate how you disagree about things, what you disagree on and the conclusions that are made from those debacles. We are not always going to agree with the people in our lives about everything but disagreements should always be respectful and approached from a place of trying to understand the other party if genuine care is at the center of the relationship. Each party should be respectful and transparent about the point of disagreement and the fact that they just don’t get it. After all, these people are supposed to be the ones in your life that care the most so tearing you down shouldn’t be the goal when a disagreement arises. Paying attention to the subject matters of your disagreements is also very important because some things can stem from genuine and minute misunderstandings or miscommunication from either party and others can stem from something deeper that tap into our value systems. Differences of values and definitions of things like honesty, being genuine, what it means to be loyal or to have good character etc. may show up in disputes that on the surface seem trivial but actually speak to a bigger issue. If you and your friends don’t align on those big things that are reflect the core of who you are then you might want to re-evaluate your relationship and how deep it is already and how did it should go.
Another thing to keep in mind when it comes to the topic of friendship is the fact that every relationship should be adding value to your life. Every person in your life should be adding to you and encouraging your development in one way or another. The same goes for you and your relationships with others! Every type of relationship should be approached from the standpoint of adding value. This doesn’t have to be a deep strategic plan that we overthink. Adding value can be as simple as being an encouraging and positive light in another person’s life.
Value adding can play out in several ways: a person can open you up to new perspectives or different ways of looking at things, dealing with things or viewing the world around you. A friend could also be someone who provides love and support to you in your personal growth, business development or anything in between. Another example could be someone who speaks to and inspires a part of you that is artistic or driven. Real and solid friendships consist of people who bring out the best in you in different areas of your life.
No matter what it is the people you let in and hold close to you should be helping you to be better whether that is passively through their positive presence, personal drive or in a way that is more active like them literally helping you to level up spiritually, mentally or physically by pouring into you and helping you stay on track to execute your life goals. No matter what, the people in your life should be adding value and you also should be doing the same for them in one way or another.
Another thing to keep in mind when it comes to friendship is the fact that not everybody can or is meant to be your “everything” or your “bestie”. Each person in your life holds a different seat in it and serves a different purpose. Just like you wouldn’t expect a lawyer to give you medical advice and insight, the same goes for your friends. Each one of us is fortified with specific gifts, talents and personality traits that make us who we are and prepares us for our individual life journeys and paths. Those talents serve us in many different ways and on many different levels both professionally and personally. Each one of us has something different to bring to the table and respecting the roles that people play in our lives is important to keep in mind to have healthy relationships.
For example, some people are our kick it buddies: they are there to ignite the fun in us and remind us to enjoy life. Others are purpose builders: they help us see our potential and help us get to the next level in that vein of our lives. Other people give us insight and add perspective to our life by introducing us to new ways of thinking and being; the list goes on. Not all of your purpose building friends are going to be your kick it buddies too and you have to learn to appreciate and respect that. Just like when you were in school and you knew the difference between the friends that you could study with and actually be productive and the friends who would have you in the library until 3 am where at the end of your “study session” you only have one paragraph of that 10 page paper written that is due tomorrow. The same goes for every aspect of our lives. The people you know you can hangout with are probably not always the people you can build a business with and vice versa. Both play a major and important role in your life but it’s not the same role and that’s ok!
In all relationships it is important that we have standards for the people we choose to make a major part of our life but we should limit our expectations of them. Standards speak to one of the first points I made about having values while expectations are self serving projections on how we believe others should act. You have to know who and how you are and make sure that you surround yourself with people who also know and respect that person. The people around you should be willing to help you become and maintain that person you are striving to be, not challenge them in ways that are not constructive. On the flip side of that, we have to be careful not to box people into being just like us or how we want them to be especially when it comes to the way they show support and affection. A caring and considerate relationship will have two parties that are in tune to each parties love languages but holding people to them strictly can put undue strain on the relationship. Aside from this people are human, they have their personality quirks and shortcomings like all of us and it’s important that we respect those in others just as we would want others to respect those in us. When we box people in we forsake the beauty that is the flaws in other people and when we do that we deprive ourselves of really learning and experiencing all that our humanity and its flaws have to offer. Bottom line: accept people for who they are and how close you allow them to get will be hinged on the values you put in place for your own growth and betterment as a person.
Lastly, your role as a friend is to be real and transparent with who you are and your intentions when it comes to the cultivation of relationships with others. You do a disservice to the people whose lives you are a part of when you are fake or filter your intentions, your personality or your beliefs. A real true friend has the other persons best interest at heart with all of their actions in the relationship and they do everything they can to help them be a better them in whatever role they play. A true friend is not an enabler. They don’t allow the people they care for to continue to engage in self destructive behaviors without tactfully bringing attention to them in a way that makes the most sense. A true friend want to see you win and that’s a fact!
